Face Your Demons
by angelicartist44
Summary: A victor becomes a mentor, but can they face their demons to try and help a tribute survive? Peeta/OC
1. Chapter 1

A/C: So...I'm not even sure about this one. I started writing it during finals week because if I studied astronomy one more time I was going on a rampage. It has nothing at all to do with the original story, I only kept the characters and setting so don't message me going "Holy shit did you even read the books?" Yes. Multiple times. If you've read anything else I've read than you know I take every liberty and change just about everything. So, anyway, I'm kind of eh about this one but I figured I'd see what you guys thought. Let me know and thanks for reading!

I heard their screams every time I fall asleep, see their faces in my nightmares. The alcohol helps me fall asleep, but it does nothing once I start to dream. I was a victor of the Hunger Games. I should be proud, I brought fame and fortune to my family and district. But all I seemed to get was pain and misery. I had nightmares every time I slept and they didn't stop once I awoke.

My Game are over, but I still relive every moment. From that feeling of despair when Effie Trinket called my name to the moment I became a victor. I had been a long shot from the second I started: basic survival skills, no interesting personality and as much of a killer instinct as a kitten. I received a five in training, and the public dismissed me as forgettable and expendable. They were unimpressed when I survived the blood bath, mildly interested when I survived my first attack from another tribute, surprised when I made it to the final five and shocked when I became a victor. Throughout my entire time I received only one gift from a sponsor, a hidden blade at the very end.

Despite being such an underdog I quickly fell from the Capitol's grace. It had been a relatively boring Games by their standards and they wanted someone more interesting. All I wanted was to go home and forget. They won't let me forget, though, victory tours and the replaying of my Games force me to relive it. The Capitol have been showing recaps of my Games in honor of the Reaping taking place for this year's Games. Every time the screen comes on I barricade myself in a room and drink until I pass out. I can't watch it, I can't see what I did, I already relive it every night.

"Come on, time to wake up," a voice called from beside me.

I jumped awake and lost the grip on the bottle I'd fallen asleep clutching. My fingers snapped to catch it, but I was too slow and it fell to the floor with a thud. It was empty of course.

"I'm not going," I mumbled to no one in particular.

"But you have to," my sister said, walking into my room.

My sister, Kasie, was the only person who lived with me in the Victor house. She somehow manages to live with the screaming and bottles of alcohol that litter every area of the house. I think she feels guilty she was too old to volunteer for me, not that I wanted her to. She now takes care of me the best she can like she did when we were younger. Our parents are both gone, my father died of a fever and we never met our mother. Our father would never tell us if she was alive or dead, or anything about her. All we know is that her name is Emaline. After our father died my sister took care of me, but we both needed to take out tessera to survive. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been alive to become a victor.

"You're a mentor now, try and get District 12 its third victor."

"Two in 10 years was a fluke, a third would be a miracle."

"Well, try," she said, peeling off the sheets. I shivered at the sudden chill, but forced myself to become upright. I stumbled to the bathroom and changed out of my sweat drenched clothes into a presentable, but plain dress. My sister came in and started brushing my hair, what was left of it anyway. In the arena a girl had pulled out chunks of my hair in a battle, so I chopped off most of it to cover it. It was mostly filled in but I kept it short, afraid someone might use it against me again. Kasie tried to cover the dark marks under my eyes, and to clean the nails I bit in anxiety, but it all seemed futile to me. Under the powder and creams I was the same person, a shell of my former self. I ate little of my breakfast, the broadcast from the Capitol playing in the other room unsettled me.

"Have you asked Peeta for any advice on being a mentor?" Kasie asked.

"No," I replied.

Peeta Mallark, my mentor in my Games and now my fellow mentor this year. I resented Peeta, he had been no help when he was my mentor. He tried to make me into an innocent little girl, but I was too harsh for that. I couldn't be sexy, brutal or even personable, so I became nobody. The crowd seemed to be more interested in Peeta than me, and I hated it. I hated him because he was everything I wasn't, what a victor should be. Peeta was my next door neighbor but I hadn't talked to him since I got home.

"You should give Peeta another chance, he's a nice guy."

"He was useless, everyone was more interested in him than they were me. While other tributes received gifts I survived on my own!" I yelled.

"Just a suggestion," she replied calmly.

I felt guilty for snapping, but I didn't want to talk about Peeta.

"It's almost time, you better go," she said.

I sighed, got up and walked over to her. I gave her a quick hug and walked out to the square. People were starting to gather, children with anxious faces and parents who looked equally nervous. I walked up to the stage and took my seat.

"Calista, I'm so happy to see you, you're always right on time," Effie Trinket said as she spotted me.

"Hello, Effie," I replied.

"Aren't you excited to be a mentor? I know Peeta enjoys it, but I guess that's obvious. Oh, there he is now!"

I saw Peeta walking up to the steps towards the stage. He looked the same as ever, tall, stocky, with a slight grin on his face. He spoke briefly to Effie, then came to sit next to me.

"Hi, Cali," he said pleasantly.

"Peeta," I said curtly, purposefully avoiding eye contact.

"Your hair looks nice, you can't even tell what happened anymore."

I sucked in a sharp breath and pursed my lips. Every time Peeta spoke I wanted to murder him. The nice guy act infuriated me, no one is that nice all the time.

"I don't think District 12 has ever had two mentors before, these tributes are pretty lucky," he continued.

"Yes, lucky is the word I'd use."

Before he could respond the Capitol broadcast began. I sat with my fists clenched, trying not to relieve my own Reaping. I half expected Effie to call my name again. The female tribute was a young girl, only 15, but she looked like a fighter. The male was older and the clear favorite. Despite being from District 12 he was tall and muscular, the girls would love him.

After the Reaping we boarded the train to the Capitol. Peeta immediately sat down with the tributes and began talking strategy. I grabbed a bottle of liquor from the bar and headed to my room.

"Don't you have anything to say to them?" Peeta asked. He walked over and stood in the doorway, blocking my exit.

"Yeah, congratulations!" I yelled. I pushed Peeta aside and went to my compartment. Peeta wasn't that easy to shake, though. He followed me in and grabbed the bottle from my hand before I could open it.

"We have a job to do."

"You look like you've got it covered," I said, reaching for the bottle.

"No, Cali, you're a mentor, they need your help if they want any chance to survive."

"Oh, like you helped me survive?"

Here was the blow up that had been coming for months. I hadn't expressed my anger to Peeta, just tried to ignore him completely.

"What are you talking about? I thought I was a good mentor."

"You did nothing! I survived by myself!"

"I got you that hidden blade in the end."

"Yeah, after I got myself to the finals, I got there without any help from you!" I yelled. I was standing face to face with him, almost nose to nose. My eyes pierced into his, daring him to back down. His gaze was wavering, he was trying to be angry but he knew I was right. A second of hurt flashed across his face and that was all I needed. He shoved the battle back in my hand and walked out without another word. I smirked and took a long swig from the bottle. The liquor burned, but I felt my anger melting.


	2. Chapter 2

I stayed in my room all night, ignoring the multiple calls to dinner. As much as I loved Capitol food I was too proud to face Peeta until we got to the Capitol. I awoke the next morning with a dry throat and sweat soaked sheets. I untwisted myself and changed into a new set of clothes. It was still early so it seemed safe to head to breakfast. I poured myself a cup of coffee and helped myself to a plate of fruit and eggs. I had just taken my first bite when Peeta came in and sat next to me. I sighed in frustration and went to leave.

"Stop, this needs to end. Whatever issue you have with me, you need to put it aside for these tributes. They need our help if they're going to have any chance of surviving," he said.

"Fine, but this doesn't mean anything, I'm doing it for them," I replied.

I took my breakfast in my room before he could respond. I didn't say it but he was right, I'd like to see one of these tributes come home.

A few hours later I met with the girl tribute, Eva. She reminded me a lot of myself, scared and afraid, but not one to be counted out. One key difference was that she was likeable and extremely smart. We decided her strategy would be survival, set snares and out smart the other tributes. The Capitol will love her, I won't have to work hard to get her sponsors.

"Maybe we should watch your Games, since I'm using the same strategy," she suggested.

"No," I snapped. "You want to be a lot better than I was," I attempted to joke. I couldn't face watching my Games.

I met briefly with the boy, Adam. He'd already made a plan with Peeta, he was going to try and be a Career and impress everyone. It seemed like a solid plan, he had the right build and personality for it.

We arrived at the Capitol shortly after and the tributes left to meet with their stylists. That left Peeta and I to roam the Capitol building. My duties seemed complete for the time being so I headed to the bar; unfortunately Peeta followed me. I took a bottle of whiskey and poured myself a glass, instantly downing it and poured myself another.

"Can I help you?" I asked after a moment of silence.

"Yes, actually, I want you to know how I was a good mentor to you."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. Peeta just couldn't accept that someone didn't like him, he had to be liked by everyone.

"I withheld supplies because I wanted the Capitol to see you could survive without them. I gave you the blade at the end because that was the only time you needed to confront someone. Your best strategy was to let everyone else kill each other and then fight when necessary," he explained.

I hated to admit that it made sense, but I held on to the notion that Peeta came up with that as an excuse for his neglect.

"Are we done here?" I asked.

"Yeah, think about it," he said and left.

I grabbed another bottle and went to my room.

After dinner Peeta called me to have a session with Eva and Adam. He suggested watching his Games to help Adam with his strategy, I reluctantly agreed, seeing hours of Peeta being Peeta seemed like torture enough. I was positively bored during the start of Peeta's Games, it was an hour of him sucking up to the entire Capitol. His Games weren't much better, gifts came to him at every opportunity. He never wanted for anything, not food or water or weapons. I vaguely remember watching Peeta's Games when they were on, but I'd been more interested in keeping myself alive. The image of Peeta facing an opponent brought me back though. He was intense, and a little bit scary, the opposite of the man I know. I stole a glance at Peeta, he wasn't looking at the screen, but at his clenched fists. He looked like me during a nightmare, and I decided I'd hate him a little less. He snapped out of it quickly though, and was back to his old self.

"Ok, Eva, we're going to watch Cali's Games," he said as his finished.

My heart started to race and something in me snapped.

"No, we're not watching that!" I yelled.

"We watched mine, Eva needs it like Adam needed mine."

"Then I'm out of here."

Peeta stood in front of me, stopping me by placing a hand on my chest.

"She needs you there for help, this could mean her life or death."

"I'm not watching it," I said. I shoved Peeta in the chest but he stood firm. "Move!" I pushed him with all my strength but he still wouldn't budge.

"What are you so afraid of?" he asked.

For a second I considered it, what was I afraid of? Them seeing me lose control, or seeing it for myself?

"Damn it Peeta, move!" I screamed. I threw my bottle to the floor and it cracked open. Some of the violence I'd displayed in the arena was starting to show. My anger was turning to fear and I felt tears brimming in my eyes. Peeta caught my one second of weakness and took it as a signal to hug me. The sudden contact startled me and for a second I was frozen. A part of me melted in his arms, but the other shied away from the human contact. I roughly pushed him away and left as quickly as I could. I wiped the tears from my eyes and locked away whatever feelings that I had felt.

"Get me a bottle," I ordered the Avox.

She quickly returned and I ordered another, as I drank half by the time she returned with the second.

I didn't talk or meet with anyone for the next day. I ordered food to my room and ignored any attempts to get me to come out. If anyone heard my screams that night they didn't say anything. I felt bad for Eva, I'd missed her opening and interview, but she seemed to be doing alright without me.

I awoke late the next night, woken up by the sight of myself killing Eva. I left my room and wandered the building, too late for dinner and too early for breakfast. I ended up walking to the roof, hoping the cool night air would calm me.

"Nightmare?" a voice called.

Peeta. I was about to leave when he continued, "I can hear you screaming."

"Sorry about that," I said, standing awkwardly beside him. I tried not to look down at him, too embarrassed by our last meeting to meet his eyes. "Please don't hug me again," I blurted out.

"Don't worry, I learned my lesson," he joked.

I smiled a little and sat down beside him. Peeta looked different somehow, like he wasn't trying so hard to be likeable. His hair was tousled and he didn't have a fake grin plastered on his face; I lowered my guard slightly.

"So, you have nightmares too?" he asked.

"You have nightmares?" I questioned, I found this hard to believe.

"Every night," he whispered, an edge in his voice. I looked over at him and saw again another side of him. His eyes were downcast and his mouth pursed.

"I relive every second of my Games, every kill, every time I watched someone die, every night," he said.

"I never would've guessed, you handle it so much better than I do. I can't face the day without a bottle."

"I forced myself to face what was haunting me, but I still can't forget. You might feel better if you confront what's bothering you."

I looked over at him. I wanted so badly to open up to someone, and really who better than another victor. I wanted to forget all about my hatred and tell him everything, but fear held me back. I couldn't face telling anyone what I did, that would mean I would have to face what I'd done. I stood up to leave without another word. Peeta leaned over and grabbed my hand, the feelings I'd felt before resurfaced.

"Let me help you," he said.

I looked down at him, he was so sincere and I wanted to trust them.

"I hear them die," I choked out.

"It was part of the arena, everything echoed," he explained.

"I killed them, and I watched her die."

I was far away from the rooftop. I was back in the arena trying to block out the screaming of a dying male tribute far in the distance. I was hiding far up in a tree, below me was a female tribute. She had yet to see me, but her fire seemed to be attracting others. I could hear them somewhere in the distance, I wasn't sure how she couldn't hear them. She was so young she couldn't help but start a fire for warmth. I was cold too but I could stand it. The arena was so small that any kind of fire or noise would instantly attract other tributes. I saw a tribute heading towards her, a large male from District 11. I almost shouted out to her but remembered my hidden position, if she couldn't see me than neither should he. The tribute heard the male coming towards her and began frantically looking around. She looked upwards and her eyes found mine. She opened her mouth to say something when the tribute's knife landed in her chest. She screamed as the other tribute sliced her throat. She looked up at me desperately, begging me to do something. I withheld my screams, literally holding my hands over my mouth. I couldn't break away my gaze from her, I just watched her die until she bled out.

"It's that girl, the one that died right next to you," Peeta said.

"I should have saved her."

"For what? You would've just been forced to kill her in the end."

Peeta took my hand in his and gave it a small squeeze.

"You can't beat yourself up over these things."

I let his words sink in as I looked over at the city.

"I'm sorry if I seemed like a bad mentor. I was trying to help but I guess I just seemed distant and uninvolved," he said.

"I survived, you must have done something right."

I felt my anger towards Peeta subsiding, all of my anger felt less intense.

"Thank you, Peeta," I whispered.

He smiled and put his hand on my knee. I hadn't felt like this in over a year, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

"Come on, let's get breakfast, I'm starving," he said.

He stood up and offered me his hand. He helped me up and walked me to the dining room. He placed his hand on my back as we walked. My first instinct was to break the contact, but I told myself to relax. My heart skipped a beat and I wasn't sure if it was the rush of adrenaline or something else.


	3. Chapter 3

Over the next week I focused myself on getting Eva ready for the Games. I drank significantly less, I wanted to do as much as I could for her. Eva began training with a bow and arrow and was a natural. I urged her to show that to the Game Makers along with a few snares. She received an eight in training, Adam a nine. I hadn't spent too much time with him, Peeta was more help than I. I didn't sleep at all the night before they entered the arena and I assumed I wasn't the only one.

The next morning I couldn't eat or focus on anything. I wanted so badly for one of our tributes to win, I wasn't sure how I could handle loosing either of them. I sat down with Peeta as they got ready to enter the arena. Peeta reached over and grabbed my hand.

"Ready?" he asked.

I nodded and watched as the tributes entered the arena. Both of our tributes survived the blood bath, Eva fled to the woods and Adam teamed up with the Careers. Seven tributes died right away but I breathed a sigh of relief, they were alive. The first night I convinced a rich woman to send Eva a blanket as the arena was extremely cold.

I had a hard time sleeping the night, I was so afraid one of them would die during the night. I awoke several times to check on them but they were both fine. I didn't worry much about Adam, he could take care of himself but Eva was so young. I had grown to really care about her in the past few weeks, I really wanted her to win. She seemed to be doing well for the first few days, her snares were feeding her and she had managed to avoid the other tributes. Adam was doing great, he fed off the supplies of others and had yet been forced to kill.

It was a week in and both of our tributes were still alive, leaving a total of ten. I sat with Peeta, waiting anxiously as another tribute headed towards Eva.

It was over before I knew it, one minute she was setting a snare and the next she was bleeding out. The tribute had crept up behind her and slit her throat. She should have heard him, but had been too busy with her snare. It had happened so fast it took me a moment to process it.

"No," I whispered.

Tears streamed down my face before I could stop them. I felt angry, angry at the tribute who killed her and at myself for not preparing her enough. I automatically walked over to the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. I uncorked the top and drank half of it in one gulp.

"Cali, these things happen," Peeta said calmly, slowly approaching me.

"It's my fault," I choked, the whiskey burned my throat and the tears my eyes.

"You did everything you could. This is the Hunger Games, there can only be one victor."

He came over to me and put his arm around my shoulder.

"Leave me alone, Peeta!" I yelled.

The alcohol hit me hard and fast. I was getting angry and unbalanced, I was loosing control of myself. I shrugged off his hand and headed towards my room. I stumbled on a chair and fell to the floor. Peeta rushed to catch me but I again turned him away. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight to him. I didn't want his touch, I kicked and screamed but he wouldn't let me go. I was yelling, crying, punching but nothing could make him leave.

"Just leave me alone Peeta, I'm a monster! I killed her like I killed that girl in the arena."

I was barely forming words, I was screaming obscenities at and about Peeta. The bottle of alcohol lay smashed on the floor. I fought for nearly half an hour but Peeta never moved. I eventually wore myself out and gave in to Peeta's arms. I cried into his shirt and clung to him like he was a life line.

"It's going to be alright," he whispered after I stopped crying.

I had finally regained my breathing and the room had stopped spinning. Peeta stood up and helped me up, half carrying me to my room. He laid me on the bed and removed the alcohol from my room.

"I'll be right down the hall if you need me," he said and closed the door. I quickly drifted off but instantly started dreaming about Eva. I kept dreaming I was the tribute killing her, and I couldn't stop myself from killing her again and again. I woke up screaming to myself not to kill her with tears in my eyes. I forced myself upright, even though it made the room spin. I didn't want to fall back asleep, too afraid of having another nightmare. There was a soft knock at the door. "Cali?"

"Peeta?" I cried.

He opened the door and walked over to my bed.

"Are you alright?" he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I can't stop thinking about her," I whispered.

"Come here," he said, laying down beside me. He put his arm around me and I laid my head on his chest. I didn't question how Peeta had come to my aid so quickly, or that he was sleeping in my bed. All I wanted was to bury myself in his arms and never leave.

"You did the best you could, just try and go to sleep," he whispered.

I could feel his heartbeat through his chest and it lulled me to sleep. For once I felt safe and didn't have any nightmares.


	4. Chapter 4

I awoke the next morning sicker than I'd ever been. I half remembered an incident with Peeta last night, but everything was still fuzzy. I had a crazy dream that Peeta had slept in my bed, then I looked over and saw him sleeping beside me. I had never been more confused, it felt better with Peeta here but I still couldn't get used to the idea of actually liking him. I couldn't even process the thought that I may more than like him, it was too early and I was too hungover. I looked over at him and my heart began to race, I had severely misjudged Peeta Mallark.

"Peeta," I whispered, shaking his shoulder. He groaned and turned over, but didn't wake up. I turned on the TV to check on Adam, and he was alive, it was down to eight. The sound from the TV caused Peeta to wake up.

"I'm sorry, I'll go," he said, jumping out of bed.

"Wait, where are you going?" I asked.

"I over stepped my boundaries, I figured once you were sober you wouldn't want me around," he said, hanging his head as he paused by the doorway.

"I didn't have any nightmares, I slept through the night," I confessed.

Peeta looked into my eyes, and hesitated. His fingers locked around the doorknob, but he loosened his grip and walked back over to sit next to me. My eyes found numerous bruises and scratches all over his arms, some of last night was coming back to me.

"I'm sorry about your arms," I said, grazing a large bruise on his forearm.

He shrugged in response, "No big deal."

"I'm sorry about everything, I'm just a mess," I said, my eyes falling to the floor.

"No, don't say that, you're strong and smart and beautiful," he stuttered at the end.

I smiled a small smile, a soft blush forming on my cheeks. I looked up at him and met his eyes. I'd never noticed his eyes before, they were a soft blue and they held so much emotion. He was looking back into mine, his lips pursed. It had been so long since I'd felt like this I wasn't even sure what has happening or what I should do. Before I could think about what was happening I was leaning forward and pressing my lips against his. I'm not sure who leaned forward first but our lips met together in a soft kiss. His lips were soft, and the feeling caused my heart to flutter, my stomach was in knots but it was a good feeling. The kiss made me crave another, I didn't want to break away. Peeta reached his hand up and cradled my cheek, the added gentle touch of his hand made the moment even better. After a few more seconds we broke away, I looked at my folded hands, unsure of what had just happened. I just kissed someone who a few weeks ago I couldn't even stand to be around; I was so confused.

"I'm not sure what just happened," I joked.

"I don't know either, but I liked it," he said and smiled.

I giggled, I don't giggle. For a second I felt afraid, like I was loosing myself but then I realized I was only loosing my depression and anger. I could be a much better person with Peeta. He took my hand and smiled at me. I leaned over and rested my head on his shoulder, it was still too early to process everything that had happened.

"Come on, there's a party I need to attend to get Adam some sponsors, want to come with?"

I nodded in response. Peeta left to get changed and I went and took a long, hot shower. The water melted away my sickness, I felt like a new person once I stepped out. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was surprised at the person staring back at me. Ever since my Games I had tried to avoid mirrors at all costs, my own appearance wasn't my top priority. I was skinny, but not an attractive thin, more like my diet was mostly liquid. Something was different though, a good night's sleep had lightened the bags under my eyes and a color was returning to my skin. I got dressed in a fancy green dress and met Peeta downstairs.

He smiled and took my hand as we walked to the party. Everyone loved us, and we got Adam a few supplies for the next few days. The Games were winding down and he would need to depart from his alliance soon. We sent Adam a small dagger and a note that said "Leave" on it. We waited until he left to get water until we sent a parachute to him. We watched it fly towards him and the realization of our intent dawned on his face. He hid the blade on his belt and walked back to the group.

"Leave now, Adam," Peeta urged.

Adam didn't leave though, he kept glancing towards the woods, weighing his options. He hesitated for too long and the other Careers caught a glance at the knife stashed in his belt. He held up his hands in innocence and tried to talk things over, Adam never was one for words. He was no match for a group of three, it was quick, painless even. Both of our tributes are dead.

Peeta sighed in defeat, looking down at lap. I put my hand on his back, my pathetic idea of trying to comfort him. I was useless, Peeta had instantly made me feel better with one touch and all I could do was pat him on the back; I'm pathetic. I didn't deserve someone like him.

"I'm sorry, Peeta," I said.

"We did the best we could," he said, rising to his feet. "Adam was a great kid, I'm really going to miss him."

I shook my head in amazement, Peeta was either stronger than I could ever imagine or an impeccable liar. I stood up and wrapped him in my arms, trying to convey my feelings without saying what I couldn't. Peeta stayed still for a moment, then squeezed me tight, his body was starting to shake. He let me go a second later and turned his back, trying to collect himself.

"I'm fine," he muttered.

I didn't know what to do or say, I was no good at this. I was still broken myself, how could I ever hope to help the person that was supposed to be holding me together?

"I'm just going to go to bed, I'll see you in the morning, alright?" he said.

"Sure," I said, not knowing what else to say.

He gave me a small smile, but left without saying another word. I felt guilty. I was worthless, Peeta needed me and I just left him alone; I could never be what Peeta is for me. I went to my own bed, sipping a bottle of liquor as I tried to sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about Peeta and how I'd left him in his time of need. He was there when I was at my worst, through my screaming and violence, I had to do something. I rose from my bed and tiptoed down the hallway to Peeta's room. I hesitated, considering going back to my room, but then I heard muffled sobs. I knew them all too well and there was no way I could turn back. Peeta needed me as much as I needed him.

I knocked on the door, "Peeta?"

"Cali?" he replied.

I opened the door and walked over to him. He was curled up in a ball of sheets, the moonlight from the open window illuminated the pain on his face.

"I'm sorry about Adam, Peeta," I said. It was pathetic and not nearly as comforting as I should be, but it was all I could muster.

He didn't say anything, just wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. Neither of us said anything for the rest of the night and we eventually fell into a restless sleep.

We awoke the next morning, turning on the TV to the Games by habit even though neither of us really cared anymore. We would stay in the Capitol until there was a victor crowned, and then we would return home.

"What would you like to do today?" Peeta asked.

"I think I'm ready to watch my Games," I said.

I'm not sure where that came from, I hadn't even been thinking about watching them, ever. I did feel stronger with Peeta here but what if Peeta saw what I did and left? What if I saw myself do those things and couldn't stand myself?

"Are you sure?" he asked, unsure of my decision as I was.

I nodded in response, I had to face it now.

AC: I'm still not sure about this, I'm not getting much response from this one I'm probably going to just end it soon. I'm really just writing it for myself but who knows I might get more creative and expand it.


	5. Chapter 5

We got ready and ate a small breakfast, I was too nervous to eat more than a few bites. Doubts were starting to form in my head, I couldn't be ready for this. Peeta led me down the hallway to a secluded room and put in the tape. My breathing started to get shallow, and even Peeta gripping my hand didn't help much. He put his arm around me and whispered "I'm right here."

The beginning wasn't bad, watching yourself stumble on TV was a strange feeling. I didn't start to sweat until I got into my first fight. It was with a brutish girl from District 1, the one that had pulled out my hair. All I could think about was how pathetic of a fighter I was, I wouldn't attack her, I just kept trying to run. I didn't want to be a killer, but I wanted to know that I could defend myself. I only made it out alive by tripping the girl over a cliff. I shut my eyes as the camera panned to her falling, but I could hear her screams as if I was there.

I began to cry when I saw myself watch the tribute die in the tree. It stayed focused on my face nearly the entire time and I mirrored the look of horror I saw on the screen.

"It's not your fault, there's nothing you could have done," Peeta tried to reassure me.

I was still anxious, tears were pouring down my face and nothing Peeta said could reassure me. I was a mess by the time it came to the end. This was the part I was terrified to see, this wasn't me accidentally killing someone, I killed him in cold blood. The moment I received the hidden blade from Peeta I was back in the arena.

I was starving, dehydrated and had a broken finger, and Peeta sent me a weapon? I was beyond angry, I wanted to use this on Peeta more than I did my last opponent. I decided, however, that to win I had to lure the final tribute to me and appear unarmed. I disguised the blade under my sleeve, then started a small fire, small enough to not look unintentional but large enough to get his attention. I sat and waited, my heart hammering fast, I could hear him coming. This would be the end and I was happy, either way this was going to end. The last tribute was an arrogant Career, he would miss the obvious signs signaling this was a trap and try and draw the kill out. I would use this to my advantage, I would appear weak and helpless, then go in for the kill.

"Well, well, well," a voice called.

I jumped up and attempted to appear surprised. The tribute walked through the bushes unarmed, I must not look like much of a threat to anyone.

"You know, I would really like to know how you made it this far," he said. He was drawing it out, playing it up for the crowd. He believed me unarmed and nonthreatening, he would take his time because he knew he was going to be the one going home.

"I survived, no one is too worried about you when you're so nonthreatening," I replied. I slowly stood up, not touching my backpack and trying to give off the idea that I was unarmed.

"I'm just sorry that things couldn't work out the way you planned," I continued. I slid the blade out, but still with my back slightly turned to him. He looked at me in confusion, still not understanding my intent. I smiled in response, he was making this too easy. That was when I snapped and something inside of me took over, a primal instinct urged me forward. It moved me to run and jump towards him. I wrapped my legs around him and knocked him backwards. The force knocked him on his back with me pinned over him. I stabbed the blade into the side of his neck and blood squirted all over me. He screamed in pain, but all that came out was a strange gurgling sound. He pushed me off of him and I landed beside him. He reached for his knife attached to his side and brandished it at me. The blood loss was making him weak, though, his jabs were easy to deflect except for one that cut across my leg. I was just trying to buy time until he bled out, I didn't dare try and get close enough to stab him again. I ducked another jab and pulled my knife out and stabbed him in the stomach. He doubled over and fell to the ground. I smiled as I stood over of him and watched him bleed. He looked up at me, begging me to end his pain but I just laughed. I laughed at his pain, who could have ever guessed a little girl like me had a killer inside?

The boom of the cannon snapped me back to reality. I was back sitting in the Capitol, watching myself be crowned a victor. I saw myself look at the blood on my hands, it was like I couldn't believe I had just brutally killed someone. I looked down at my own hands, they were the hands of a killer. Peeta put his hand on my back and I jumped, I had forgotten he was there.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm a killer Peeta, I always will be, I'll understand if you want nothing to do with me."

"Cali, I know what you did, I helped you do it; I did these things myself. We both have blood on our hands but we can help each other to get past what happened."

I looked over at Peeta, expecting to see fear and disgust for what he'd seen. I only saw sincerity and love looking back at me. I was angry at myself for holding on to my resentment for Peeta for so long, I loved him more than I could ever say; hating him seemed so crazy now.

"Thank you, Peeta," I whispered.

He smiled and leaned forward and gave me a small kiss.

"I'll always be here for you," he replied.

Later that night a victor was crowned. He was one of the Careers that killed Adam, from District 1, he won in a bloody battle with another Career. We rode back to District 12 with heavy hearts, in another year we would have to go through this ordeal again. I was worried that once we were back home Peeta would leave me, but he never did. He came over every night and stayed in my bed, calmed my nightmares and squashed my screams. I stopped drinking, the withdrawal left me sweating and on edge for days, but we eventually got through it. After a few months I moved in with Peeta, we always ended up in the same bed so it wasn't much of a change.

One night I awoke paralyzed with fear, I had seen myself killing Peeta in his sleep. I began to cry, believing it was real, I had imagined a man strong enough to face my demons.

"Are you alright?" a voice beside me gently asked.

I looked over and breathed a sigh of relief, Peeta was alive and laying beside me.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, I know when you're having a nightmare, I wake myself up."

I smiled and laid my head on his chest. Many nights I had awoke thinking Peeta had been a figment of my imagination, a delusion conjured by my psyche to help deal with my trauma. I would start to panic, thinking I was really alone. Then I'd look beside me and see him sleeping soundly and would breathe a sigh of relief. I could never deserve him, he does more for me than I could ever hope to for him.

"Another nightmare?" he whispered, running a light hand down my spine.

"It was you this time."

Peeta grimaced and and pulled me closer to him.

"I don't like those," he joked.

That was something Peeta was gifted at; he faced a bad situation with humor, something I could never do. I remembered the first time I had witnessed Peeta having an episode, a fire had broken out at a house down the street and the smoke had wafted into our window. The second the smell entered the room Peeta's whole body stiffened, his eyes widened and he started breathing heavily.

"Peeta?" I asked.

We had just been eating a quiet meal, I'd barely registered the smell myself. I then noticed Peeta's distress and went over to him. I placed my hand on his back, but he instantly stood up and wheeled around to face me. His sudden movement startled me, Peeta was always so careful around me.

"I don't want to kill you, Brianna," he said.

Brianna had been his fellow tribute, a girl of only 13, he had been forced to kill her.

"Peeta, it's Cali, we're home," I said, slowly advancing towards him. I was afraid of him like this, I didn't know how Peeta could handle me like this. Peeta had a crazed look in his eyes as he looked at me, I knew that look well; he was trying to decide what was reality and what wasn't. All I could do was walk over to him and give him a hug. He braced himself, but then put his arms around me.

"I love you, Peeta," I whispered.

"I'm sorry, I love you too," he replied.

I came back to the present as Peeta kissed my forehead. I smiled and thought about how truly lucky I was to have someone like him. All I ever wanted was to be there for Peeta like he is for me, and to love him like he loves me.

A/C: Ughhh I didn't know how to end this, but I didn't know what else to do with it. Thoughts?


End file.
